Searching for Tao, 7573 Kilometres from Home

February 23, 2004 06:14 +0000 | Personal Life 2

this has been one of the messier breakups i've ever had. all this pain... caused by me... and over a 3month relationship. am i an evil person? i don't think of myself as one. i don't seek out people with the express intention to do what i've done to poor angela. but nonetheless, there she is, crying herself to sleep tonight -- over me.

i'm not a heartless person. if i were, i wouldn't care. i wouldn't be writing this right now. and i probably wouldn't have even bothered to talk to her on msn tonight. so the real question then is: is this my fault? this isn't the first time i've done this to someone, but how else might i have acted? are these people just over-investing themselves because i'm the kind of person they feel they can do that with? does that mean that i have to be more careful than other people? i just don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

Comments

paula
23 Feb 2004, 6:38 a.m. |

dan, you are not an evil person. yes, you have trouble investing yourself in others emotionally to the level some of us invest in you, but this does NOT make you evil.

as for whether it's your fault, the answer is NO. people make their own decisions to make emotional commitments to others, you can't force someone to love you. if someone reads more into what you've done or said without clarifying what you meant, again, that's THEIR fault, not yours.

as much as it generally took me a while to admit i was doing stuff like this to myself, eventually i came to terms with the fact that i'm an overly emotional person who tends to invest more emotionally in my boyfriends and close friends than perhaps i should. has this changed the way i feel about others? no. the last few times i've fallen in love (and that bullshit about there being one soulmate for every person is just that, bullshit. you are capable of falling in love with many people, and there's no shame in that) the last few times i've recognized that i'm making an investment that has the potential to turn out badly, and when things didn't work the way i wanted them to, i stood back and evaluated how important it was for me to remain in a relationship with that person. it's impossible to evaluate your feelings if you don't take responsiblity for them.

how else might you have acted? be sure you're entering the relationship for the right reasons, or at the very least, make sure you know what your reasons are. no one can tell you how to live your life. but for your own sake i hope you're learning from all the times this type of thing has happened to you and you're not repeating the exact same mistakes each time.

love you dan, take care of yourself. don't take the entire world on your shoulders all the time. i can help carry part of it too. hugz

noreen
25 Feb 2004, 5:17 p.m. |

hey kiddo, you're not evil nor heartless. you're just human like the rest of us. i don't think there are many that would 'supposedly' go and hurt people for fun without feeling overwhelming guilt and pain. the thing is, your relationship just ended so it's natural to have these emotions you're feeling. again, i stress that you take the time to enjoy yourself and your new home before beginning a new relationship. don't go searching for anyone - if the opportunity exists by all means go for it but if you're not ready or the timing's wrong, don't run after it. let whatever it is slowly come to you. time makes all the difference in the world. hope that made sense.

might i remind you that a relationship consists of two (yes 2!) people. so it's not entirely your fault. people always assume that because s/he cheated or s/he did this or that, immediately it's that one person's fault. it's not so because it takes 2 to tango. with that in mind, paula is correct on this one, angela chose to be with you, to "invest" in you and it was entirely her decision. no matter how much you beat yourself up over this, ultimately it wasn't you who forced her. you can't make people love you. it's as simple as that.

have faith in love and in yourself. trust me on this one. eventually everything will get better and you will understand. live your life and don't regret; try not to look back. you'll be okay. i'll be around to kick some positive thoughts into you when you need it.

one last thing: absolutely no one wants to hurt but in matters of love, it's a big risk you have to take. otherwise how do you know, correct? it's just something you have to do - otherwise you might end up 65 years old and dressing your cats. i got that quote from you and use it at every opportunity i get. =)