The Dark Knight Rises Sucked
So I've finally seen the new Dark Knight movie and I can honestly say, without even comparing it to those that came before it: it sucked.
Honestly, it's as if the writers just went on vacation and left a couple coke heads to bang out a script and stamp "Batman" on it, confident that the money would just roll in. This movie was so riddled with continuity errors and inexplicable plot holes, that even my rather forgiving willingness to suspend disbelief was seriously challenged.
The rest of this is full of spoilers, so if that bothers you, you'd best stop here. To start with the obvious: Bruce Wayne, a billionaire playboy in prime condition and with no more villains to fight, locks himself inside his mansion for eight years and his body somehow just falls apart. A doctor x-rays his legs and tells him that there's no cartilage in his knees, at which point Wayne responds by jumping out a window and repelling down the building. He later proceeds to beat down a bunch of bad guys and participate in a motorcycle chase. That little brace on his right leg must have been pretty amazing.
Then there's Bane's destructive campaign and the over-the-top plane hijacking at the start of the film. Bane, with all his resources and a small army of devoted followers is able to line a city of 11million with explosives to detonate concurrently, but can't kill a few guys guarding a scientist. Instead, it makes far more sense to highjack a plane... from the outside... while in flight.
While a pair of glasses appear to be enough to hide Superman's identity, a kevlar suit, cape and cowl just don't seem to cut it for our hero. Batman's true identity is apparently so easy to guess that a beat cop figured it out all on his own by the expression on his face. Bane knows too, some crazy how.
Tate's mission is to destroy Gotham, and the smartest way to do this is a convoluted plot to develop a brand new clean energy technology, build a reactor under the city, kidnap the only scientist who knows how to turn it into a bomb and fake his death. With resources like that you're telling me she couldn't riddle the sewers with regular explosives, or even just build a regular fission bomb?
Every good guy is either rich or a cop. The rest of us are apparently willing to follow a guy who blows up stadiums full of people. The exception to this rule is Hathaway's Catwoman, who was fun to watch and I'd love to see her get her own flick.
Commissioner Gordon's soul-searching letter, revealed to the public by Bane, while shooting up the city is supposed to somehow betray Gordon to the public and make Bane look what... righteous? Wasn't he just executing civilians? Why would anyone believe anything this man has to say?
Catwoman wants a blank slate so bad that she'll kidnap a congressman and kill people, but she can't find a way to sneak into Cuba.
Bruce Wayne, literally beaten and broken, with a piece of vertebrae sticking out of his back is left at the bottom of a pit in some far away failed state to watch his city burn on television. The solution? a good punch in the back (that'll fix that pesky back bone) and lots of push ups. He then manages to climb his way out, at which point he magically transports his barefoot and penniless self back to Gotham, a city under siege and barricaded on all sides. All of this takes place in the span of five months. He shows up just in time to have a relaxed conversation with Catwoman, grab his gear and with his cartilage-free knees, still fight the bad guys to save the day.
And then there's the nuclear explosion which, really just.... I'm so mad about this.
Look, if you have a thermo nuclear device on a really big string, and you fly it out over the ocean for 1:30, you're just not going to get far enough away from the city to save anyone. I don't care how fast the SuperAwesomeAntiPhysicsBatPlane is. You're detonating a nuke in the atmosphere off the coast of a major metropolitan city. At the very least we're talking massive nuclear fallout, poisoning the air for hundreds of kilometers in all directions, and that's not even considering the flesh-melting effects of the initial nuclear flash. This was a bomb designed to destroy a city of 11million... a little distance isn't going to help anyone.
Lastly, a big screw-you goes out to the writers for comparing the 99% to the murderous cult of Bane. From Kyle's heavy-handed foreshadowing about the poor taking back what the rich stole, to Bane's populist revolt murdering rich people in their homes, it's nice to be equated to terrorists and thugs. Screw you guys.
So no, I didn't like this movie. It's possibly the most overrated flick I've ever seen and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Go see Seeking a Friend for the End of the World instead. At least that one was witty.