Not Why I'm Here

I had an interesting conversation with Melanie last night. It was one of those conversations that causes you to rethink everything you've done for years. It called into question all of my major decisions in the past 5years and in some cases even how I've come to see myself. ...I hate rethinking.

It all boils down to this: while I have the Right to be happy, is it right to persue my personal happiness when I could be making the world better? I made the decision years ago that "fixing the world" was more important than being happy, and that I felt it selfish to persue a new choral family when there was more important work to be done.

The obvious question that follows then of course is: "don't you think you deserve happiness?" and that's where I get stuck because I can only respond with another question: "If I have to choose between a better world, or my personal happiness, how can I choose the latter?"

When I started writing this post, I wasn't sure where I was going, but then I remembered my Spoons Vs. Shovels post and figured my way though. No one likes being in at pit with those spoons, but the alternative is just too hard on my concience.