My Life Out East Reduced to 1000 Blog Entries

I've been thinking a lot about my time here. Not just in Toronto, but in Ottawa as well.

I left home with a simple premise in mind: The world needs fixing and I can't honestly say that I know how to do it unless I've left my corner of the country to see what's out there. The thinking was that I needed to learn about "how the world works" before I could fix it and so I came out East to find out.

Unfortunately though, since having moved out this way, I have become more pessimistic, more realistic, and sadly, more pragmatic -- traits that do not necessarily embody the visionary I wanted to become. My faith in humanity has all be disappeared and my cynicism surrounding our future grows thicker with every community event I attend. The problems of the world are two fold: On one side you have smart people exploiting the planet and it's inhabitants, and on the other, you have hordes upon hordes of apathetic or just plain stupid people who either don't know what they're doing or just like to hear themselves talk. Sometimes, I am even afraid that I am part of this latter group -- I suppose that there is hope for my ego yet.

The problem appears to be my fading Faith in humanity. Sure, some people care, but not enough of them and even those who do care often can't Do Right because of factors like costs and that painful urge to eat. What's more, I've found that the problems of the world are much broader than I had initially assumed. While not surprising, the idea that anyone can "fix the world" is beginning to sound so foolish that even someone as idealistic as myself is having trouble with the concept. Indeed, I often wonder if I can even make a dent in the various issues I've run into here -- even with the hordes of like-minded people around me.

I've also recently come to realise that not only is this Path an embittering one, but that it's also full of distractions like having a life of my own. Striking a balance between having a social life, ie. the Why We Fight line of thinking, and getting work done is a continuous problem. On the one hand I have people I care about and personal joys that I've put on hold, and on the other, I have, what Al Gore so elegantly articulated in his movie: The Whole Planet. How can I be a Good and responsible citizen and still go to choir practise when more work needs to be done?

Maybe this is what I needed to learn more than anything else out here. Maybe I needed to develop a healthy disdain for people and the democratic process... but I don't want to believe that. I came here to understand the world better, and I'm afraid that I've learned the wrong lessons.