More Apartment Hunting Fun

My brother just found this one while doing his own apartment hunting on Craigslist. Poesy especially will appreciate this:

Hi,

There's lots of light and plenty of space in the living/dining/kithen room. There's some old stained glass work but some of it is busted out and I've got plexi glass to patch it. The kitchen stove has two burners that work if you hold the dial just right. There's a big sink for laundry, and a dish rack hanging over the stove to dry things out with. There's an old oil heater in the basement that I can fire up sometime in Novemeber. There are two lamps, but the rest of the light fixtures don't work. You'll need a cell phone because we had to rip all that out to wire another place. The fridge smells a bit but it come with a set of good sealing rubbermaid containers, albiet you gotta clean em up good as they've been in there awhile. I remodeled the bathroom back in '82, when I put all of the crap from my own house into there; it hardly leaks. The floor has a drain in it anyway. The shower leans kindof funny but it wont fall over; I've checked, and I way 350 pounds. The hardwood was a bit stained by engine oil when my buddy Zeke rebuilt his Harley there. I'm looking for a single slave to occupy my suite. The other bedroom is actually a den and is taken up by my junk--Stay the fuck out. There is a bed in there that I can get for you, but it'll cost ya another 20 bucks a month. There's a garage but me and zeke have a "project" in there. You can park on the street but the city wants somethin from ya, I donno how much. The tenant in question can not: 1.)have any pets 2.)smoke or burn incense 3.)make any noise whatsoever 4.)leave smelly beer bottles outside 4.)recycle or compost 5.) watch television after 9pm... And is fine with me doing all of the above, in excess. I live in the loft, and I piss off the deck when I can't make it to the bathroom I share with you. The slave, i mean tenant, will have great credit, a great job, and sign a detailed year lease in his own blood, and hand me a year's worth of postdated checks before he/she gets the keys. Contact me if you figure it's a fit.

He was asking $900.