Blog /frustrations and ageing

April 16, 2004 03:41 +0200  |  Society & Culture Why I'm Here 2

chrystal got her official posting confirmation to raleigh, north carolina today. she's quite excited, and i'm quite proud -- maybe "proud" isn't quite the right word, but i'm not really feeling very "thesaurical" today. nonetheless, a huge congratulations goes to her, she's known who she was and what she wanted for so long now, it's about time she got it.

this is however, not a happy posting. if you're in a good mood at the moment, go out and enjoy the weather, no need to bring yourself down. come back later if you're really interested. you see, today is a big day for me. lots of stuff happened, chrystal got her long hoped-for posting, i picked up the babylon 5 season 5 dvd and this... this very post is the 100th post in my blog.

so why is this a depressing post? in order to understand you have to know my reasoning for starting this thing. back in december i started out with a big plan. i'd come to the great real city of toronto, and i was going to do great things. i hadn't come to socialise, to make friends, get a job and buy an suv. no -- i'd come to "the centre of the Canadian universe" to find out who i was, and how to do what i felt i was supposed to do. i was going to meet with city officials, propose my big plans and get some shit done.... then i'd be able to go home and relax, knowing i'd done what "i was supposed to do". the whole thing would be chronicled here, in hopes of finding support from friends and family and keeping me on task.

but here i am, 100postings later. and all i have to show for it is some semi-concrete documentation and some time spent with the sustainable living network setting up a lan.

i wish this was easier. i wish i had the mind to understand how this sort of thing gets done, but every time i show my ideas to people it's met with decimating apathy or half-hearted, directionless encouragement. i was good at school -- school was easy. i had a task, it was written down. normally i would finish and be helping my friends long before everyone else was through the gate, but this... no instruction, no direction, just ideas, passion and a whole, damning heap of apathy. most people here don't recycle. they'd rather drive 6blocks to work than walk or take the subway. they complain about gas prices, but scoff at wind power, and every thursday there are 22 plastic bags full of garbage on the sidewalk on my way home from work. how do i fight that? i'm stranded here with a head full of ideas and no idea where to put them. and the worst part, the really terrible part -- is that i'm not even fighting here. an enemy, a task, a job -- they're all easy. but moving people, changing minds, when those minds have no interest in anything other than the hockey game... that'll cut the heart right out of anyone.

i don't know what to do. i left home to find myself, my calling. and here i am doing the same thing i was doing back home. working 9-5 paying off visa so i afford rent and food. and this blog contains more about the cancelling of tv shows than it does about anything of any real importance. i can feel myself slipping... but i'm not sure whether it's more into bitterness or dispair.

Comments

noreen
16 Apr 2004, 10:54 a.m.  | 

you'd think i might be the last person to say this to you ... but well, here it is.

don't despair. it will get better. it has to. you know earlier on when you lost faith in relationships, in love, etc and i told you to believe in yourself ... i'm telling you the same thing now. don't give up so easily. you've just started carving away at a piece of rough stone and while it's started, it's nowhere close to even resembling your ideal piece of art. remember rome wasn't built in a day and when people get used to living a certain way, a certain style; it takes time and effort for change to come about. set your example and start with the smaller local community rather than the entire city; entire province. let us know how you are doing after a thousand blog entries. how you're doing after five thousand blog entries.

start small, dear but set your goals high and don't give up so soon. from someone who has gone for days without food and substaining on hope, i know you will understand where i'm coming from. it'll take a while but give it your best and you won't regret it. trust me on this.

Angela
16 Apr 2004, 6:19 p.m.  | 

Noreen's completely right. How long have you been in TO - a few months? Dude, don't be so hard on yourself that the entire city does not recycle after 5 months of you living there! :)

These changes you are so pationate about are huge, paradigm-shifting changes that cannot happen in a day, or even a thousand days. You need to push and push and push over time.

I'd say more, but I have to log back in to the phones. I'm here to talk to, rant to, and bounce ideas off of if you need.

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