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February 13, 2008 20:28 +0000  |  Friends Self Reflection 1

If it's at all possible, I think that I get more private emails and phone calls as a result of my No Comments Please posts than I do actual comments on my normal blog posts. I appreciate it though, I really do, and thanks for the words of support from all of my friends. I have some problems of my own that I need to look at and solve and knowing that I have that kind of support can only be a good thing.

I'm ok though, so you can stop worrying. Moving to a new place can be really tough and returning to a life that I ran away from isn't making it any easier. I'll be fine. Don't worry.

February 11, 2008 01:04 +0000  |  Friends Moving Self Reflection

The beach at Davie & Denman

Check it out. That's why I'm here. Sure, it's not as noble as the reasons behind my exodus from this place, but it's a hell of a thing to come back to... and this is the wintertime. I can't wait 'till summer.

I had a bit of a crisis of faith this morning. For a moment, I wondered if I'd made a mistake in returning. Actually, it was considerably more than just a moment. I'm different from who I was when I left, and it would seem that the longer I'm here, the less I feel that this is the case. I'm not sure if I can remember how to be the person I want to be. The habits and connections I developed in Toronto are gone and I find myself falling into the same negative patterns I wallowed in 7 years ago -- behaviour I tried to beat out of myself in my self-imposed exile.

I can't explain it any better than I this and the people I would usually talk to about this are just too far away, either physically or socially. I miss my friends. I miss bike rides to High Park and cake at Future Bakery. I miss gyros at 2am and Farscape on Melanie's couch. I miss my friends.

It'll get better though. It has to.

July 31, 2007 04:08 +0000  |  Friends Self Reflection

I need to take a moment to take stock of the friends I've hurt or alienated in the past few months:

  • Pavel: He calls all the time, and I never call him back.
  • Colin: I call to talk about computer stuff 'cause I need his help, but we never see each other outside of that.
  • Chris Rhodes: Forgot to call him on his birthday... again
  • Emily Jane: I book a trip to South Korea and don't bother to tell her.
  • Melanie: I put a countdown on my blog marking the days 'till I move to Vancouver, not bothering to consider her feelings.
  • Annie: Forgot to talk to her about how I can't make it to her wedding, instead she has to find out about it here.

There are most likely others, but as we've already seen, I'm not very good at remembering much of anything, especially these days.

I won't try to justify any of this -- I can't and I shouldn't try. I'm trying to do too many things, to be too many things to too many people and I'm failing miserably. I'm so sorry that you all are bearing the brunt of it. I will endeavour to do better, and I will make it up to all of you.

May 12, 2007 04:37 +0000  |  'Round-the-World Self Reflection Travel 13

So I've had this plan for the longest time: I quit my job in September, hop a plane to Europe somewhere, gallivant about the continent for a couple months, and then head home to Vancouver. It's a good plan, lots of people dream of this sort of thing and I'm actually going to do it... how often do you get a chance like this?

The whole plan seemed great until the other night. I was walking around the city (it would seem that I'd been bitten by an exploratory bug) when I realised how boring it is to do this sort of thing alone. I sat in a square, wrote some code, listened to the water fountain, had some food and did some shopping... the whole time trying to think of someone to call to meet for drinks or just to talk to... and then it occurred to me:

Is this what Europe would be like?

Now don't get me wrong, I love my alone time. I rather like the idea of wandering a street alone, talking to strangers, eating bits of local food and sitting at my laptop in a public square somewhere. The idea of sharing my time with someone who has needs/demands of their own is not something I want... and yet the idea of being alone for 2months for this trip is not something I think of as appealing.

Am I wrong to think this way? Is it illogical to assume that I'll not make friends as I go or is it just nuts to go half way around the world only to be alone?

April 20, 2007 14:00 +0000  |  Self Reflection 11

I had an interesting experience last night.

I called and talked to my old friend Annie to work out the details surrounding her upcoming wedding. I needed to know which days I should be in town, so I could properly book my flights to Edmonton and then to Europe. It was lovely to hear from her and we figured everything out rather quickly; after which we chatted about what we're doing in our own corners of the continent and just basically caught up.

It wasn't until after I hung up, finished working on my inbox and closed the laptop that I realised it: I'm becoming Torontonian.

I recognised a pace in my transaction with Annie to be the same tone and speed I'd seen in the few Toronto natives who'd come to visit Vancouver. It's fast, unemotional and very to the point... and it was all over my conversation.

I know that before I came out East, I'd always been a fast-paced, no bullshit kind of person, but it's as though I can feel that Vancouver-ness, that laid-back, friendly side of me is going away. ...and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get it back when I go home. Is it possible that people back home will refer to me as "the guy from Toronto"?

July 03, 2006 20:15 +0000  |  Self Reflection

I had an interesting conversation with Melanie last night. It was one of those conversations that causes you to rethink everything you've done for years. It called into question all of my major decisions in the past 5years and in some cases even how I've come to see myself. ...I hate rethinking.

It all boils down to this: while I have the Right to be happy, is it right to persue my personal happiness when I could be making the world better? I made the decision years ago that "fixing the world" was more important than being happy, and that I felt it selfish to persue a new choral family when there was more important work to be done.

The obvious question that follows then of course is: "don't you think you deserve happiness?" and that's where I get stuck because I can only respond with another question: "If I have to choose between a better world, or my personal happiness, how can I choose the latter?"

When I started writing this post, I wasn't sure where I was going, but then I remembered my Spoons Vs. Shovels post and figured my way though. No one likes being in at pit with those spoons, but the alternative is just too hard on my concience.