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February 06, 2009 07:46 +0000  |  Environment Family Friends Self Reflection Suburbia Why I'm Here Women Work [at] Play 14

People have been sending these my way for days now and the activity seemed so very contrary to my usual behaviour, that I thought that I'd give it a shot. I'm not going to "tag" anyone to do this though since this is my blog and not bloody Facebook, but if you want to share your own, you can post it or link to your own post here in the comments.

Here's the deal. This is a list of 25 random things about me. They're personal, so if you want to know more about me, this might be a scary place to start, but it's your call:

  1. I am a very private person. This may come as a surprise to someone who doesn't know me, as I do after all maintain a blog and all kinds of online profiles. Look carefully though and you'll realise that there's nothing all that personal about me anywhere. I don't share. I'm going to try to make this post an exception.
  2. I'm happy to listen to others though. People like to talk to me -- gods know why. I like to think that I'm a pretty good listener and that my lectures are often helpful.
  3. I never used to care about the environment. In fact, when I moved to Ontario, it was the furthest thing from my mind. It wasn't until I realised that so many people still burned coal to make electricity that I got involved.
  4. As part of a seventh grade public speaking exercise, I wrote a speech titled "Why Does Everyone Talk About Saving the Environment, but No One Does Anything About It?" (or something to that effect). I was then voted as the one to give the speech in front of the whole school. I was so terrified that I skipped a complete paragraph from my cue cards.
  5. I was, and still am, terrified at the prospect of public speaking. In recent years, I've actively combated this fear by repeatedly putting myself in situations where I must speak publicly in one form or another. It's working.
  6. I don't try to save the world out of guilt, or a feeling of responsibility. I do what I do purely out of a sense of principle: I honestly believe that there is a Right way and Wrong way to interact with this planet, and I fight to ensure the former. As Mark Twain said: "Always do right. This will gratify some and astonish the rest".
  7. I am seriously afraid that I will waste away here in Vancouver. Most days I feel as if any ambition I had was left behind in Toronto.
  8. It is because of this fear that I've avoided doing things "for me" in the past like joining a choir. I've always felt like I have a responsibility to act on the aforementioned principles and forgo my own wants until those goals are achieved, but the hollowness and lack of purpose I've felt since returning have caused me to consider some selfish options. I still feel that this is a mistake, but I don't know what else to do.
  9. I love my job. I love the work, the fact that it's constantly challenging and that I'm being given the power/responsibility to write some really fucking awesome code.
  10. I often burn 90% of my work day spinning my mental wheels trying to get my brain out of its funk. I believe this to be related to my poor diet and sleeping schedule... at least I hope that's the case.
  11. I'm so afraid of what it might be if it's not diet or rest that I won't talk to a doctor about it.
  12. I'm constantly concerning myself with others' impressions of me. Alone, at home working on my computer, walking down the street, writing a blog, or deputing at City Hall, the question of how my words may be construed 20years from now is a serious concern to me.
  13. I often catch myself reliving or daydreaming about past or potential future conversations. What was / could've been said, or what will be / should be said, and the rebuttals for each. These conversations sometimes cross over from the mental space into real out-loud annunciations for my part of the exchange -- though this is usually only at home as I'm getting ready for work.
  14. I've developed deep emotional attachments to a number of people scattered around the world. These feelings aren't romantic, but rather almost familial and definitely protective.
  15. I think that my unwillingness to share is likely directly connected to my inability to commit emotionally to someone. Either that or I just haven't met the right girl yet.
  16. My childhood was really quite horrible. My family was wonderful, but my school life in Langley has probably damaged me permanently. Don't raise your kids in the suburbs folks, it doesn't do anyone any good.
  17. My single bastion of sanity in high school was choir practise with Mr. Thompson and Mr. Rahn. They gave me something into which I could pour myself at a time when all I wanted was shut the whole world out. Had it not been for Thompson Tran, the guy who dragged me into choir in the first place, I think that I would be a very different person today.
  18. My parents actively discouraged me from taking music, art, shop, or drama classes in high school. I was told that such activities were for the dumb kids and that I, as a smart person shouldn't waste my time with them. I'm not bitter about this, it's just unfortunate that I missed such an opportunity for a creative outlet for so many years.
  19. I honestly do think that I'm really fucking smart about a lot of things. I don't care if this makes me appear arrogant, condescending or superior. The way I figure it, so long as I'm open to the possibility that someone out there is smarter than I am and I embrace their opinions when I meet them, then it's all good.
  20. I'm attracted to people who are smarter than I am, or have an understanding of the universe drastically different from my own.
  21. I have an image in my head of the girl I'm supposed to be with. I've had dreams about her for years. In these dreams she has long, straight, brown hair and wears a long, stretchy, cotton grey dress. She sings and plays guitar. I am aware that harbouring a fantasy image of a non-existent mate is counter-productive and I don't care.
  22. I'm sometimes frustrated by the maintenance a friendship requires. My feelings toward people don't change with the distance between us or the time between our visits, yet many of my friends seem to think otherwise and try to reconnect repeatedly. I don't begrudge them this, but it's also really hard to make time for everyone as well as myself.
  23. I vividly remember dozens of instances where I've been wrong about something. In all of these cases, I've been sure and was later proven ignorant. This is a serious concern for me so I usually use non-committal fragments in my sentences to assure my position as a non-authority on a topic... Unless I think that I am an authority, at which point any mistakes haunt me permanently.
  24. I cannot tolerate being called "stupid". It's a trigger word for me. I'm alright with naive or ignorant, though these words do flare me up a bit -- usually enough to get me to ask question after question until I'm no longer worthy of either word.
  25. I use the regret model for my decision making: I imagine how I would feel looking back on a situation 20years later and then decide to go with the option that I would likely lead to the least regret.

January 15, 2009 16:40 +0000  |  Self Reflection Stress 1

Melissa and I had a good conversation last night about the overwhelming nature of email. I explained that I had twenty-one emails marked as "unread" in my inbox to which I intended to respond but every time I had the opportunity, the task seemed too arduous to undertake. Her suggestion was a simple one that had never even occured to me: respond to two each day.

So today I'm going to take two off the end of the list, and starting tomorrow, I'll work my way down from the oldest. Annie has, after all been waiting for a response since July 3 2008.

Yeah, I know. I'm a bad person.

December 31, 2008 22:30 +0000  |  Self Reflection 0

It's less about finding all the right situations and environment to be who you want to Be, but rather just sitting down and setting about the work of becoming that person.

October 13, 2008 18:46 +0000  |  Self Reflection 2

Inspired by K-dot's similar post, I present to you a list of things for which I am thankful:

  • My family
  • My chosen family
  • My friends
  • My job
  • Good grammar
  • In-suite laundry
  • My view
  • Clean air
  • People who fight for the environment
  • My memories
  • Good pizza and ice cream
  • My health
  • The Creative Commons
  • Harry Potter
  • The rain
  • Free software
  • Bittorrent
  • Wikipedia
  • Grandma's cooking

August 25, 2008 16:02 +0000  |  Ideas Personal Life Self Reflection 6

As those of you who have been sending me occasional emails may have noticed, I've not been doing a very good job in replying to them. In fact, if you were to go back through this blog only a few months, I'm sure you'd find a few posts talking about how overwhelmed I am with stuff I have to do and specifically, emails to which I want to respond. The problem, at least as I've seen it, is that I just don't have enough hours in a day to get everything done. I work long hours, come home burnt and only wanting to veg out and do nothing... and even then I spend hours at home writing code for the office some nights.

Donat Group is a big fan of "work/life balance" a concept I'm familiar with, yet have not really taken advantage of lately. To remedy this though, I've decided to try something that may sound insane to some (hell, I'm not even a big fan of it): I'm going to schedule everything.

The plan is to schedule my work hours so I'm not inclined to stay as late as I usually do, then schedule making dinner and yes, even responding to all those emails. The theory being that if my laptop tells me that it's time for "x", it'll help me focus on the job at hand.

Maybe it's insane, but at the moment, I'm approaching desperation. Nothing in my life is working lately and frankly, I want my life back. I just wish my mind didn't keep drifting back to Seven of Nine scheduling "fun".

July 20, 2008 04:21 +0000  |  Politics Self Reflection Socialism 5

Notes on Pacifism (2008-07-19 21:21:00)

I've discovered that I'm incensed by pacifists. They approach the concept of violence with such dismissive superiority, like it's some kind of old idea who's day has come and gone. As if somehow, if a few of us were to decide not to commit an act of violence, the rest of the world will somehow agree to follow suit.

What foolishness is this?

No intelligent person would argue that violence can solve everything, but similarly, no rational person can argue that every problem can be solved without it.

Some conflicts not only call for violence, but outright require it. In fact, I would submit that anyone who would advocate non-violent resistance for all conflicts is just as naive as those who think that every problem is solveable at the barrel of a gun.

In Summary (2008-07-20 13:21:00)

Strolling trough this park has been like walking through my memory. At every turn, I'm reminded of a happy moment, but strangely enough, the memory isn't very specific. In other words, I remember a peace and happiness associated with being here, but for the life of me, I can't determine the source. In fact, my feelings toward the festival presently are quite the opposite to what they were before I left for Ontario back in 2001.

In a way, it's as if my politics have changed, while those of the festival haven't, and somehow we both seem to think that we're still on the same "side".

We both want:

  • Peace
  • A healthy planet
  • Equality
  • Affordable housing

But our definitions of these ideals, not to mention the forms in which we'd like to see these things take place differ considerably:

The concensus here for dealing with homelessness seems to be substantial rent controls and treating heroin addiction and alcoholism like a disease. I just can't follow that line of reasoning. Where they see thousands out of work, I see a labour shortage and where they see a need for legislative rent controls, I see acres of underdeveloped land that could be cultivated to drive down the cost of living through competition. We need to increase density and improve sustainability while developing a scavenger class for the emerging market of reusable containers. Ideas like these are met with considerable opposition here.

There's a focus on pacifism, like it's some sort of magic panacea, and there's also a kind of reverence for panhandlers and bums (their term). As if vagrants are living some kind of idealised life. I never used to bat an eye at comments like these, but now they grate against my skin and I'm not convinced that this is a bad thing.

For so many of the people here, things like working and bathing are optional, and there are children everywhere. Screaming, oozing children, the blistering sun and rap music! -- I've not been in a happy place all day.

It's important to note that I don't condemn this lifestyle, far from it. Some of the happiest people I know live and breathe this kind of life. I support their choice and right to this life but... I just don't think that it's the kind of life I want anymore. At one time, yes, but not anymore.

July 03, 2008 20:44 +0000  |  Melanie Self Reflection 1

Melanie and I are no longer together. I don't want to talk about it any more than she does, so please, lets just all leave it at that? She's still moving here in January and if it all seems right, we might get back together then -- I just have to understand some things about myself before that can happen.

May 25, 2008 19:07 +0000  |  Environment Friends Self Reflection Suburbia 13

Lately, I've come to dread my weekends, which is odd, because I'm so very busy during the week, but nonetheless it's happening. It took me a while to deduce from where this sense of desperation was coming, but it finally donned on me: it's the suburbs.

I don't think that I can accurately explain my discomfort with suburbia. Sure, it's completely wasteful and unsustainable, but my political reaons for hating that way of life are separate. No, it's the... emptiness. Standing in a field of parked cars in blistering heat, surrounded by pickup trucks and SUVs all humming along with their heat-generating A/C units. The acres of big box stores, parking lots and big box stores, all separated by pointless little medians and mock "nature" in the form of a tree in a concrete box or a wood bench facing yet another parking stall. It makes my nerves itch just thinking about it.

I've been out to the suburbs (yes, that includes Kelowna) every weekend without exception for at least 5 weeks now. Obviously, it's not out of a sense of masochism, but rather because I have friends out there. I guess, part of me secretly hoped that they'd all get the hell out of Langley and Surrey before I returned from Toronto and that I wouldn't have to endure a personal hell just to be with them, but it would seem that Fate is a sadist: rather than leave, they've entrenched themselves.

Jeanie and Ruth have moved into a pretty house in White Rock, and Chris and Trish have bought a house out in Langley. Quinn and Michelle seem to like it there and my parents moved to Kelowna because of the lifestyle. The truth is though, I don't begrudge any of them for their choices. They've chosen that life for themselves and barring the inevitable major financial collapse hinging on oil scarcity, they'll probably continue to enjoy it for years to come. I just hate having to go there to see them -- and by hate, I mean hate. The mere thought breeds contempt in my veins, I get bitter just boarding the Skytrain.

It's probably all a mix of the horrible memories I have of that place and my knowledge of the socio-economic-environmental implications of such a lifestyle that does this, but knowing this doesn't make it any better. I miss my friends. I'll continue to see them. But I just need to vent.

I hate it so much.

Edit: 2008-05-28

It's been brought to my attention that this post might be construed as bitterness toward my friends for making me come out to the burbs all the time without them making the same sacrifice for me. Nothing could be further from the truth. Chris Rhodes and Trish especially have made the trip on many occasions and I've appreciated the visit every time. This post was, more than anything, about how much I hate the suburbs.

March 21, 2008 05:00 +0000  |  Self Reflection

I've decided to try and deconstruct the walls I've built around myself over the years. I have no illusions that this will be easy or even comfortable, but I think I want this.

I'm just tired of watching my life from the sidelines.

February 18, 2008 02:22 +0000  |  Public Space Self Reflection Vancouver 3

I spent much of the day inside cleaning up my place, in preparation of the arrival of my grandparents only to find out that my grandfather was taking advantage of the fine weather to work on his boat. Upon explaining this, my grandmother suggested that I do the same and get out of the house for a bit.

And so I'm here.

I'm in Robson Square. For the non-Vancouver folk, that's the area next to the Vancouver Art Gallery, and down a series of steps. Nestled below street level, and partially covered by a series of domes that create a nifty echo-effect, I'm sitting here listening to two guys play music in a language I totally don't understand -- but it's still pretty.

A woman is sitting there next to the two guys with her 3yearold daughter, the Father not too far away. It's clear that the family is there both for the tunes as well as the fun acousitc beneath the domes. It looks like a bunch of other kids have joined us down here now, running around in the square playing tag or something.

I think I have to start accepting Vancouver for what it is and not what it isn't. Like any other place, my home has some serious problems, but I can't deny that it has some real beauty and promise.