Searching for Tao, 7573 Kilometres from Home

February 06, 2009 07:46 +0000 | Environment Family Friends Self Reflection Suburbia Why I'm Here Women Work [at] Play 14

People have been sending these my way for days now and the activity seemed so very contrary to my usual behaviour, that I thought that I'd give it a shot. I'm not going to "tag" anyone to do this though since this is my blog and not bloody Facebook, but if you want to share your own, you can post it or link to your own post here in the comments.

Here's the deal. This is a list of 25 random things about me. They're personal, so if you want to know more about me, this might be a scary place to start, but it's your call:

I am a very private person. This may come as a surprise to someone who doesn't know me, as I do after all maintain a blog and all kinds of online profiles. Look carefully though and you'll realise that there's nothing all that personal about me anywhere. I don't share. I'm going to try to make this post an exception.
I'm happy to listen to others though. People like to talk to me -- gods know why. I like to think that I'm a pretty good listener and that my lectures are often helpful.
I never used to care about the environment. In fact, when I moved to Ontario, it was the furthest thing from my mind. It wasn't until I realised that so many people still burned coal to make electricity that I got involved.
As part of a seventh grade public speaking exercise, I wrote a speech titled "Why Does Everyone Talk About Saving the Environment, but No One Does Anything About It?" (or something to that effect). I was then voted as the one to give the speech in front of the whole school. I was so terrified that I skipped a complete paragraph from my cue cards.
I was, and still am, terrified at the prospect of public speaking. In recent years, I've actively combated this fear by repeatedly putting myself in situations where I must speak publicly in one form or another. It's working.
I don't try to save the world out of guilt, or a feeling of responsibility. I do what I do purely out of a sense of principle: I honestly believe that there is a Right way and Wrong way to interact with this planet, and I fight to ensure the former. As Mark Twain said: "Always do right. This will gratify some and astonish the rest".
I am seriously afraid that I will waste away here in Vancouver. Most days I feel as if any ambition I had was left behind in Toronto.
It is because of this fear that I've avoided doing things "for me" in the past like joining a choir. I've always felt like I have a responsibility to act on the aforementioned principles and forgo my own wants until those goals are achieved, but the hollowness and lack of purpose I've felt since returning have caused me to consider some selfish options. I still feel that this is a mistake, but I don't know what else to do.
I love my job. I love the work, the fact that it's constantly challenging and that I'm being given the power/responsibility to write some really fucking awesome code.
I often burn 90% of my work day spinning my mental wheels trying to get my brain out of its funk. I believe this to be related to my poor diet and sleeping schedule... at least I hope that's the case.
I'm so afraid of what it might be if it's not diet or rest that I won't talk to a doctor about it.
I'm constantly concerning myself with others' impressions of me. Alone, at home working on my computer, walking down the street, writing a blog, or deputing at City Hall, the question of how my words may be construed 20years from now is a serious concern to me.
I often catch myself reliving or daydreaming about past or potential future conversations. What was / could've been said, or what will be / should be said, and the rebuttals for each. These conversations sometimes cross over from the mental space into real out-loud annunciations for my part of the exchange -- though this is usually only at home as I'm getting ready for work.
I've developed deep emotional attachments to a number of people scattered around the world. These feelings aren't romantic, but rather almost familial and definitely protective.
I think that my unwillingness to share is likely directly connected to my inability to commit emotionally to someone. Either that or I just haven't met the right girl yet.
My childhood was really quite horrible. My family was wonderful, but my school life in Langley has probably damaged me permanently. Don't raise your kids in the suburbs folks, it doesn't do anyone any good.
My single bastion of sanity in high school was choir practise with Mr. Thompson and Mr. Rahn. They gave me something into which I could pour myself at a time when all I wanted was shut the whole world out. Had it not been for Thompson Tran, the guy who dragged me into choir in the first place, I think that I would be a very different person today.
My parents actively discouraged me from taking music, art, shop, or drama classes in high school. I was told that such activities were for the dumb kids and that I, as a smart person shouldn't waste my time with them. I'm not bitter about this, it's just unfortunate that I missed such an opportunity for a creative outlet for so many years.
I honestly do think that I'm really fucking smart about a lot of things. I don't care if this makes me appear arrogant, condescending or superior. The way I figure it, so long as I'm open to the possibility that someone out there is smarter than I am and I embrace their opinions when I meet them, then it's all good.
I'm attracted to people who are smarter than I am, or have an understanding of the universe drastically different from my own.
I have an image in my head of the girl I'm supposed to be with. I've had dreams about her for years. In these dreams she has long, straight, brown hair and wears a long, stretchy, cotton grey dress. She sings and plays guitar. I am aware that harbouring a fantasy image of a non-existent mate is counter-productive and I don't care.
I'm sometimes frustrated by the maintenance a friendship requires. My feelings toward people don't change with the distance between us or the time between our visits, yet many of my friends seem to think otherwise and try to reconnect repeatedly. I don't begrudge them this, but it's also really hard to make time for everyone as well as myself.
I vividly remember dozens of instances where I've been wrong about something. In all of these cases, I've been sure and was later proven ignorant. This is a serious concern for me so I usually use non-committal fragments in my sentences to assure my position as a non-authority on a topic... Unless I think that I am an authority, at which point any mistakes haunt me permanently.
I cannot tolerate being called "stupid". It's a trigger word for me. I'm alright with naive or ignorant, though these words do flare me up a bit -- usually enough to get me to ask question after question until I'm no longer worthy of either word.
I use the regret model for my decision making: I imagine how I would feel looking back on a situation 20years later and then decide to go with the option that I would likely lead to the least regret.

December 31, 2008 22:19 +0000 | Django Family Friends Python 9

It's funny, I've had mountains of "free" time lately and somehow, none at all available to do the simplest of cumulative tasks. I've not replied to the nineteen emails sitting in my inbox, and keeping this site up to date has clearly not been a priority. However, in an effort to "clean house" so to speak before the New Year, I'll try to cover everything here. If you like to read everything, I suggest taking a moment to procure a beverage.

Carolling: A Reunion

Way back in October, I received a text message from my old friend Michelle containing a request to re-capture some of our better memories by going carolling this year, an annual tradition we once supported by hadn't attempted for nearly a decade. Excited at the thought of it, I agreed to play my role and she recruited Gary (another old friend) and a Soprano friend of theirs for the task. I did some digging of my own and managed to coax Merry out as well and with a group of five very out-of-practise choir folk, we set out on December 19th to bring some Christmas cheer to the suburbs.

The whole thing didn't go off nearly as well as we'd hoped at the start. The first neighbourhood we landed in seemed to be filled with people who didn't like carollers at all. No matter how hard we sung, no one came to the door. We quickly decided that Surrey sucked and that the uber-Christians in Langley were more likely to be receptive. We were right, and then tilted the odds even greater in our favour by selectively hitting neighbourhoods filled with Christmas lights and people we knew personally :-) This made the bitter cold somewhat more bearable since we were repeatedly asked in for free drinks and cookies. Had the night been kinder and our start been earlier, we might have hit more houses, but as it worked out, we collected $30 for the food bank and had a really nice time singing with old friends.

I'd also like to take a moment to thank Michelle personally for single-handedly organising the whole thing. Despite my best intentions, I contributed very little to the planning. Michelle is a rock star.

Christmas: Another Reunion

Fighting the odds, I managed to catch my flight out of Vancouver to Kelowna on time, bailing out of the Lower Mainland just before the Storm from Hell ravaged the area. My condolences to those who were booked on flights set to leave only hours after mine -- as I understand it, a whole lot of people spent Christmas in YVR this year.

I arrived here in Kelowna in preparation of two big events: Christmas and my cousin Ashley's wedding. Thanks to the latter, the former was filled with distant relatives whom I see to rarely as it is. Ashley's brother Fraser was here, all the way from London and he brought is girlfriend and their common friend, both from Spain. My (2nd) cousin Roy was here, as was his mother June and a big chunk of my uncle's family as well. All good people, all with interesting stories I've not heard before.

The happy couple: Ashley and Jared Nelson

In terms of a Christmas "haul", the biggest most impressive gift was a hand-made cookbook from my parents containing family recipes from all the big chefs in the family. My father's pastas, my grandmother's famous soup... it's all in there. A really great gift.

Oh, and Lara, you'll be pleased to know that I got six pairs of socks as well :-)

The Wedding

If you've been following my Twitter feed, you probably already know that Ashley's wedding was outside, in the dark, on a mountain, under the trees, in the snow... with bagpipes. It sounds insane, and it was, but it was also beautiful. Ashley wore a gorgeous gown, and covered it with a pretty white hood to keep her warm during the (mercifully short) service. The bride cried, the groom cried, and I think even the Man of Honour cried. Young love is so cute. The Groom wore a black tux with red pinstripes and a white tie and, along with his groomsmen, bright red skate shoes. They were awesome.

The reception was about as fun and exciting as most receptions usually are. Lots of old people, lots of 80s and 90s music (courtesy of my brother the DJ) and lots of dancing. The bride and groom had a few really great performances on the dance floor and much fun was had by all. Only one blight on the whole thing really: one of the guests, a bridesmaid's date no less showed up in jeans, a hoodie, a cowboy hat, and plumber's crack. I tried to convince my mother to lecture him on his lack of respect but she didn't go for it. But yes, this is normal out here.

Catching up

I decided before I came up here that I'd spend a great deal of time teaching myself a new web framework called Django. It's a real framework (as opposed to Drupal, which is in fact a content-management system) based on a relatively new language called Python. So far the experience has been two-sided for me. On the one hand Django appears to do a lot for you so code is smaller and easier to maintain, but on the other hand I feel like a lot of the simplicity and art in coding has disappeared. Where you once saw a long, easy to read set of files filled with a series of very short declarative statements, you now have something that reads more like a novel. More compact yes, but is it art anymore?

I've also promised myself that I'd get through my emails this week -- all nineteen of them. This task, along with fixing up Stephen's site (I haven't forgotten about you!) has proven ridiculously difficult though, since Internet connectivity here is terrible at best. I have to syphon access from a neighbour's flaky router that routinely drops connectivity for hours at a time. At this very moment in fact, I'm writing this post into a file in the hopes that I'll be able to acquire some bandwidth later tomorrow at my father's store.

So that's everything for now. It's 2:30am now, but before I go to bed I think that I'll put together some good images for this post. I'll try to find some good shots of Christmas and the wedding. Next up is my New Year's recap post -- not sure when I'll have time to write it though.

December 04, 2008 00:38 +0000 | Friends Recipes 4

My friend Cat and I were talking over email today and the following transpired. I thought it fitting to post here given the weight of my previous posts:

Me

I am sick. Have been for days, and my company insists that I come in anyway so I'm not really getting better. I should be ok by the weekend though at which point I'll be heading out to Langley (ew) to practise with my old choir so we can go caroling later in the month (it's a thing we do).

Her response

Ew. That really sucks. Drink some Horrible Tea.

Horrible Tea

1 clove garlic

1 thumb-sized piece gingerroot

1/4 tsp cayenne pepper

juice of 1/2 lemon

2 large spoons honey

Roughly chop the garlic and gingerroot. Steep all ingredients in boiling water under a cover for about 2 minutes, then drink. You can strain if you like, although I think it works best if you don't. STIR WELL. The honey keeps it from tasting too bad. Drink this twice a day until you feel better, and then for another day or so afterward.

You will need a new toothbrush after you get better, though.

August 07, 2008 04:41 +0000 | Friends 9

I've been meaning to blog about my trip up north for a while now, but I've just been too overrun to do so until now. As it is, I'm not presently in the most literary of moods, so I'm afraid this entry, while full of detail will be sparse.

While Paula and Poesy had managed to convince me to attend The Gathering over August long weekend, the massive rock slide on the Sea to Sky Highway pretty much decimated plans for the event and it was cancelled. I wasn't too keen on attending in the first place though (I'm not a fan of mixing other people with my faith) so I wasn't too heartbroken.

Chris had other plans for me anyway and was pleased to hear that I was suddenly free. He was going camping with some friends up at Lake Nahatlatch and was hoping that I'd come along. He even provided a tent and sleeping bag, since as the title says, I'd not been camping in a very long time.

Some ups and downs from the weekend:

Ups
- The view at night. I'd forgotten what the night sky looked like without all the pollution. It's amazing how many stars you can see when there's no interference.
- The cool, clean water. We setup camp next to a glacier fed river with fast-moving rapids and beautiful (drinkable?) water. It made for nice background noise at night and a nice wading area during the day.
- A helicopter! One of the rapid-riders fell off the boat, hit his head and needed to be air-lifted to hospital. The chopper set down just a few dozen meters from our site.
- Singing Tenacious D's "Fuck Her Gently" with drunken friends Mark and Mark at 3am around a camp fire.
- The view. British Columbia is so beautiful.
Downs
- Drunk people are not more fun while camping. In fact they are much worse.
- Dirt. I like being clean. This is very hard to do while camping. I didn't shower for 4days and while the first thing I did when I got home was peel off the dirty clothes and shower for 30minutes, I emerged from the tub still feeling dirty. It may take a few days to get back to normal.
- Bugs. While there weren't as many as I expected (I was barely consumed at all), there were still way too many. One big ugly beetle even hitched a ride home in my bag. He's gone now.
- The temperature change. 30°C+ during the day, and single-digit temperatures at night make for a rough couple of days. I didn't have an air mattress and my loner sleeping bag had a hole in it the size of my foot... The first night was tough. Nights #2 and #3 however were spent in the back seat of Chris' Jeep which was far more comfortable (and warm) than it sounds.
- Other people. Blasting rap music from your truck at the beach (thankfully, not where we were camped, just where we were visiting) is Not Cool. Neither is stealing firewood. Sadly, some people are unaware of this fact and made our trip less fun as a result.
- More bugs. I think I may have run across an Asian Longhorned Beetle though I can't be sure. There were a bunch of them there, but I didn't having anything in which to capture them, so I only have a crappy cellphone picture. I'll send what I have to the forestry folks and let them figure it out.

Overall, I had a very nice trip and would like to go again, though next time I think I'll make sure I come better prepared. Also, non-drinking co-campers might also be nice. Next time :-)

Regardless, Chris gets big points for getting me out there. Thanks Chris! Oh, and for those of you who are interested, I have a few shots in my Snapshots section as the only camera I remembered to bring was my cellphone.

Update: 2008-08-07 07:59:50

I talked to Jessica, my old TEV director back in Ontario and she pointed me to an informational site on the Asian Longhorn Beetle. I poked around there for a bit and eventually found this page describing the qualities of the bug as well as a list of commonly confused bugs. It looks like what I saw was the "Oregon Fir Sawyer" which looks just like the ALB but one of its dots appears near its head and its shell is matte while the ALB shell is shiny.

May 25, 2008 19:07 +0000 | Environment Friends Self Reflection Suburbia 13

Lately, I've come to dread my weekends, which is odd, because I'm so very busy during the week, but nonetheless it's happening. It took me a while to deduce from where this sense of desperation was coming, but it finally donned on me: it's the suburbs.

I don't think that I can accurately explain my discomfort with suburbia. Sure, it's completely wasteful and unsustainable, but my political reaons for hating that way of life are separate. No, it's the... emptiness. Standing in a field of parked cars in blistering heat, surrounded by pickup trucks and SUVs all humming along with their heat-generating A/C units. The acres of big box stores, parking lots and big box stores, all separated by pointless little medians and mock "nature" in the form of a tree in a concrete box or a wood bench facing yet another parking stall. It makes my nerves itch just thinking about it.

I've been out to the suburbs (yes, that includes Kelowna) every weekend without exception for at least 5 weeks now. Obviously, it's not out of a sense of masochism, but rather because I have friends out there. I guess, part of me secretly hoped that they'd all get the hell out of Langley and Surrey before I returned from Toronto and that I wouldn't have to endure a personal hell just to be with them, but it would seem that Fate is a sadist: rather than leave, they've entrenched themselves.

Jeanie and Ruth have moved into a pretty house in White Rock, and Chris and Trish have bought a house out in Langley. Quinn and Michelle seem to like it there and my parents moved to Kelowna because of the lifestyle. The truth is though, I don't begrudge any of them for their choices. They've chosen that life for themselves and barring the inevitable major financial collapse hinging on oil scarcity, they'll probably continue to enjoy it for years to come. I just hate having to go there to see them -- and by hate, I mean hate. The mere thought breeds contempt in my veins, I get bitter just boarding the Skytrain.

It's probably all a mix of the horrible memories I have of that place and my knowledge of the socio-economic-environmental implications of such a lifestyle that does this, but knowing this doesn't make it any better. I miss my friends. I'll continue to see them. But I just need to vent.

I hate it so much.

Edit: 2008-05-28

It's been brought to my attention that this post might be construed as bitterness toward my friends for making me come out to the burbs all the time without them making the same sacrifice for me. Nothing could be further from the truth. Chris Rhodes and Trish especially have made the trip on many occasions and I've appreciated the visit every time. This post was, more than anything, about how much I hate the suburbs.

April 23, 2008 15:26 +0000 | Dreams Friends 4

I just had a dream about Dave and thought it a good idea to keep it here:

I was walking down a Vancouver street at night carrying a few rolls of network cable when a guy passed me and mumbled something about how I didn't recognise him. I turned around just as he said it and was met with an older, more mature version of David Alexander, my former best friend from way back.

Dave was "eaten by the church" when we were 17 and we lost (or cut?) contact not long after that. From my end, I felt as though the Dave I knew had gone away and been replaced by a bible on legs. He made new (good Christian) friends and started ignoring the rest of us. It would seem that his inner circle of Atheists and Pagans were no longer welcome in his life, and so we obliged him by ignoring him right back.

Getting back to the dream, I apologised for not recognising him and he explained that he'd lost some of his network cable, to which I offered to take him back to my place so we could go through my collection and I could give him what he needed.

Back at my apartment, while I sifted through my various cables, offering one length and colour after another, a group of people playing poker back by the kitchen spoke up and asked if it'd be alright if they asked us some questions 'cause they were in need of smart people. I laughed a little and replied, "Sure, don't you know who this is? This is my old friend Dave, he's really sma--".

I couldn't finish the sentence. I was suddenly reminded of how the well-thought, sceptical friend I knew had died and been replaced by this new Christian form. These people were interested in knowledge and what could he offer now? Would he consult that book of his for the "answers"? Would he promote Intelligent Design and talk about how dinosaurs co-existed with humans 6000years ago? Or would we be treated to a lecture on how homosexuality is a choice and how the great flood carved out the Grand Canyon?

I turned to him then, looked him square in the eye and said: "I'm sorry, but I don't think that I can be friends with non-thinking people."

And with that, I woke up. I woke without a feeling of loss or pity. I think I finally said goodbye to my old friend.

February 15, 2008 18:55 +0000 | Friends Melanie 4

I meant to post about this earlier, but the last few days have been kinda crazy. I just wanted to mention something kinda cool that happened the other day.

Our story begins roughly a week ago, as I was talking to Melanie on my phone about the package I'd just sent her for her birthday. I was complaining about how I seem to have misplaced most of the pens I'd acquired in Toronto and was left with only a crappy one which I was forced to use to address the package.

What I didn't know was that the following morning, she went to work, stole a bunch of those free swag pens from the office that you get at conventions and stuffed them into an envelope and mailed them my way. I received the package a couple days ago. In it, a bunch of really cool pens (including one that contains a series of mini adhesive flags!) and a note:

Now write me a letter

Melanie is awesome.

February 13, 2008 20:28 +0000 | Friends Self Reflection 1

If it's at all possible, I think that I get more private emails and phone calls as a result of my No Comments Please posts than I do actual comments on my normal blog posts. I appreciate it though, I really do, and thanks for the words of support from all of my friends. I have some problems of my own that I need to look at and solve and knowing that I have that kind of support can only be a good thing.

I'm ok though, so you can stop worrying. Moving to a new place can be really tough and returning to a life that I ran away from isn't making it any easier. I'll be fine. Don't worry.

February 11, 2008 01:04 +0000 | Friends Moving Self Reflection

Check it out. That's why I'm here. Sure, it's not as noble as the reasons behind my exodus from this place, but it's a hell of a thing to come back to... and this is the wintertime. I can't wait 'till summer.

I had a bit of a crisis of faith this morning. For a moment, I wondered if I'd made a mistake in returning. Actually, it was considerably more than just a moment. I'm different from who I was when I left, and it would seem that the longer I'm here, the less I feel that this is the case. I'm not sure if I can remember how to be the person I want to be. The habits and connections I developed in Toronto are gone and I find myself falling into the same negative patterns I wallowed in 7 years ago -- behaviour I tried to beat out of myself in my self-imposed exile.

I can't explain it any better than I this and the people I would usually talk to about this are just too far away, either physically or socially. I miss my friends. I miss bike rides to High Park and cake at Future Bakery. I miss gyros at 2am and Farscape on Melanie's couch. I miss my friends.

It'll get better though. It has to.

February 07, 2008 10:46 +0000 | Friends Photography 3

I was talking to Susan tonight and throughout the conversation, I proceeded to take screenshots -- capturing her face in its many expressions. She really is a very pretty girl. I told her that after we finished for the night, I'd put together a collage of my favourites and so, here they are. First the original, and then some photoshoppings just for kicks: